[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
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My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Yup
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.