the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
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I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ