Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.