Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
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I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs