Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
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Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
plums roundup
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.