I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
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Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.