DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
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Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
That’s what I call a flat tire
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.