We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
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I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
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I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked