regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
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Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
wow
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Got ya covered
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.