People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
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Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend