[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
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me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”