If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time