My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
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I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
BRAKING NEWS!!
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”