[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
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For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.