My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
You Might Also Like
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Breaking news: