band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
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So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
❤️🦆
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle