If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
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My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
can’t bark with your mouth full
based al yankovic
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
don’t be scared
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.