DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
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“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Holy crap this is wonderful
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’