My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
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What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I hope this email finds you in a well
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
me hitting on a model
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out