Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
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Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Aaaa…CHOO!
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
I want to meet the individual who made this
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
good work, detective
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.