I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
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I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Damn he played himself
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*