REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
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HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
channeling her this year
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
I’m a bad influence on myself.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Netflix and you sit over there.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol