Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
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My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order