God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
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“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Meowchelangelo
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I don’t know what to do
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
welp
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN: