Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
You Might Also Like
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.