alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
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Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.