I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
You Might Also Like
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
My love language is deader than Latin
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.