Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.