Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
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Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.