JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
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I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?