A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
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Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.