[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
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I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.