Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
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I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
all that yoga finally paid off
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Its a hippotatomus