I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.