My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
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discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Time heals everything 🙂
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
adam and eve had first world problems
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”