“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
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I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
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You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question