My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
You Might Also Like
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.