Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
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*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Employees must applaud the planets.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]