#parenting
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.