*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
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[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?