Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.