I love snow
– People who never shovel
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My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Kidney stones? Hard pass
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it