Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
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Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags