What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
You Might Also Like
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
“HELP WITH CAT”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
umm…
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.