I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
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The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
I think I’m having a stroke
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Someone just threatened to call me later
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.