Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
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I’ve watched this 17,467 times
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.