Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
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What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
3% human
97% stress