Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
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Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
School be like
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
How is it still this week?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
classic mixup
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.