– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
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I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family