[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
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Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
mumsnet is amazing
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Who’s your best friend?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right